I Was Not Pining
by Ad Astra Per Alia Porci
Summary: This is after LL first date, a response to Lorelai's comment. Its Luke's attempt to explain why he kept the horoscope... please read, it's not long. R


I just want to set the record straight for anyone out there who cares to listen. I was not _pining_ for Lorelai for the last eight years. I didn't know that I loved her and therefore couldn't have been pining – at least not consciously. I knew how much I cared about her, but I always just thought it was in the normal way. In the friendly way. How was I supposed to know any different? The only other person I was ever in love with was Rachel… and it was nothing like it is with Lorelai.

At first I wasn't even sure I liked Lorelai. Of course I was attracted to her. She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen… but she was loud and rude and she was much too bubbly for my liking (once she got coffee in her). And I know what you're thinking: then why did I keep the horoscope, right? Well, originally I only listened to her and stuck it in my wallet because she made me. She didn't threaten me or anything… but you know, she forced me in the uniquely Lorelai way. She sat there, sipping her coffee and staring at me until I had safely stored the clipping in my wallet. So you see, I was just humouring her. At first.

For a long while I forgot it was even there. It sat unnoticed between some receipts and bills for months, possibly even a year. Anyway, by the time I found it in my wallet again, I had gotten to know her better. I'm not sure I would have called her a friend, but she was definitely more than a customer. She had even stopped calling me "Duke." By that time I knew her well enough that I smiled as soon as I realized what the piece of newspaper was… so I kept it. You know, just in case I needed a smile later. So at this point, it was only in my wallet as a pick-me-up. After all, it was pretty witty.

It wasn't long after that that my motives for keeping it changed again. She had become my friend, and I began wishing she were more. And I would like to stress that I didn't know _in love_ with her… I thought I had a crush. And of that I was well aware. I even toyed with the idea of asking her out – a few times I even came close to actually doing it – but there was always something stopping me. At first I was resistant because of Rory… not that I didn't children, in fact by this point I had already loved her like a daughter, but because I knew that Lorelai didn't want to mix up her love life with Rory's life. Later, when Rory was a little older, soon after she went to Chilton, I decided to make a move… of course then Max showed up. I ignored them and waited patiently for him to get out of the picture which he eventually did - after a couple of months. So I tried again, we made a 'date' to paint my shop, and to my delight it had been Lorelai's idea! But alas, Christopher showed up and she blew me off for him. Boy, did that one hurt! It was right then that I realized how strongly I felt for her, and it scared me that she could hurt me so easily. I retreated from her and ignored my feelings because I was so upset that she had chosen someone else over me… that was possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done.

While I was still pouting, Rachel showed up in Stars Hollow. That threw me off track a little. I didn't want to get involved with her again, partly because I thought she'd leave again, but mostly because of Lorelai. I let Rachel stay, but I didn't plan on reconciling with her – that is, until Lorelai started to push her on me. I was so confused and stung that Lorelai wanted me with someone else (because that meant that she didn't want me) that I caved in. I gave Rachel and I another try… kind of; I half-assed it. My heart wasn't there, and Rachel knew it. She left soon after, however by this point I had missed my chance with Lorelai… Max had come back, and he asked her to marry him.

That was when I gave up on the idea of a romantic relationship with Lorelai. As soon as I heard that she had accepted his proposal I started to deny my feelings to myself. It was self-preservation, you know? I was so destroyed by the engagement that I locked away my feelings; I hadn't felt that bad since my father had passed away and I knew that I couldn't handle it if she did it to me again. From then on, I told myself that I didn't care about her as anything more than a friend, and as the years passed, I began to believe myself. Every time that I found out about a new guy in her life it convinced me further that we would only ever be friends, and I accepted that, because I still got to be around her. Every so often, I even got to pretend that I was her boyfriend: when we went to festivals or watched movies, when I went to Rory's graduation or comforted Lorelai after a blow-out with her parents or fixed her house. I lived for times like those, but I wouldn't let myself realize it…

…until I bought that book. After life with Jess, and my brief marriage with Nicole, I realized that I couldn't be a lone wolf anymore. I had had a taste of family life, and surprisingly, I liked it. I just needed to find the right person to start my family with, and I needed help finding her. And so I bought that self-help book. It was the most embarrassing thing I've ever bought… but I don't regret it for a moment. As I listened to that silly animated voice asking me questions, I was suddenly overcome with the realization that I was in love with Lorelai. It was that book which made me recognize the feelings that I had been repressing for the better half of a decade and it was with that revived clarity that I finally found the courage to do something about it. And well, you know what's happened from there.

So, you see, I wasn't pining. I couldn't have been because out of the eight years in question, I only acknowledged my feelings for two years at the most. My relationship with Lorelai evolved so quickly that I was caught off-guard. There wasn't a defining moment when I could have realized that I was in love with her because I had always been. There wasn't anything unusual about the way I felt about her. It was normal. It was the way it had always been, and so I didn't recognize that it was anything special. It took that ridiculous book to make be realize exactly what I had found in Lorelai Gilmore.

And there you have it. I freely admit that I have loved Lorelai for as long as I can remember, but I wasn't pining for her because pining involves knowledge of those feelings. I will always love Lorelai Gilmore and part of me has always been in love with her, it just took a while for the rest of me to admit it. I don't pine.


End file.
